Tag Archives: Sex

Death and Tijuana

I woke up. 6:30am. Fuck. I just fell asleep three hours ago. My mouth is dry as hell and I feel some sense of urgency to get out of here. Not out of this hotel. Out of this country. Out of Tijuana. Out.

I don’t even want to take a shower. I am packing my bag and checking my pockets. My ID and passport are here, thank God. Holden insists I shower. I hop in and rinse the filth off from last night. What I can remember of last night anyways. I put on some clean clothes. My hands are shaking a little – dehydrated. We eat the mediocre hotel breakfast, drink three bottles of water, and we book it.

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Holden and I don’t say a word. We know what happened last night can’t be mentioned. My visa card is missing; my cell phone is gone too. Thank God I locked everything else in the safe. Holden still has his cell – I dial my bank and cancel everything. A replacement phone will have to wait.

Holden and I try to fill in the gaps from last night. Neither of us want to remember what the other has to offer. We leave it at that. Thankful for forgotten memories. That’s how it will stay.

It hits me. We have to come back tomorrow. I’ve never felt such dread from having to return to a place. We’re on foot by this point heading back to the US/Mexico border. We get in a cab – $1 each. That’s when I see it – the busiest boarder on earth. 300,000 daily crossers hustling in both directions.

I think back briefly – the whole night was a blur. I remember beautiful Mexican women – they were on us like a bunch of tweens at a Justin Beiber concert. We saw them do things I can’t believe. Beautiful amazing things. The beer, the tequila, too cheap. We took advice from a taxi driver and a stranger – that might have cost us. I see two American guys – they hand me a rum and coke. I drink. I drink. Drink.

They kick us out. Holden and I aren’t willing to pay for sex – the other two guys do. We leave. That’s when I woke up in the hotel. That’s why I have to get the hell out of here. My memory is destroyed. The only thing I can recall is bits and pieces of shit I wish I couldn’t.

The border again. Focus. It’s packed. We pay some guy $5 to get us to the front of the line. I’m still a little drunk. We get into a van. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do. Are we being robbed? No. There are normal people in here, good.

Thirty minutes later we are across the border. Long trolley ride back to San Diego – I have to come back tonight. For now I want coffee – I want air I can breathe. We get to San Diego and I feel better – a good taco helps my mind and my stomach smooth things over with last night.

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3 Key Components to an Awesome Relationship

Today Holden sent me a very insightful email that I would like to share with the world. 

I think the key to getting along and having a fruitful relationship with your spouse, family, co-workers and anyone else has three essential elements.

1. Look Beyond Yourself

The first element is, you and the person you are trying to have the harmonious relationship with need to be able to look beyond themselves. They have to be able to recognize their own bias and remove the cloudiness of their own personal perspective and see other’s perspective.

For example, I never realized just how boxed in and self centered I was until I worked at GISTech and really got my ass handed to me over and over by my two senior co-workers who were as self centered as I was. When you have three extremely self centered people who always think their perspective is the only perspective, its going to spell disaster, and I was the low man on the totem pole so I got shit on there and bullied. I think this might be where Stoicism could play a helpful role. Removing yourself emotionally to free yourself to survey the surrounding environment.

I remember I use to trash my wife’s dad the way your wife will freely trash yours, then I finally realized that despite everything I said being blatantly true and her feeling the exact same way, maybe I should just leave the bashing to her. I still take jabs at the guy, but I shouldn’t. I should just leave it to her, because she really doesn’t need me to remind her that her dad sucks. She knows it, she lived it. It took stepping outside my own little box to realize that.

2. Roll with the Punches

The next element is part reciprocation, part just letting shit roll off your back.

Sometimes people say things that really do not jive with or annoy you. You just have to learn to let it roll off your back, but the other person also needs to learn to reciprocate and return the favor when you’re being the asshole. I think my and your wife’s issue is that she doesn’t reciprocate well. I feel like she expects all of us to simply let anything she says roll off our backs, but she doesn’t take it well when we say anything that slights her in the least. Then I eventually get to a point that I stop letting things roll off my back, and she thinks I’m bullying her and hate her guts. I don’t really how to address the problem. If it were you and I we’d just tell the other to quit being an asshole.

My wife and I used to have the same problem, She’d take my bullshit all day, but then if she dished a little, I would blow up on her ass. Hell, it still happens sometimes. Its a lifelong growing process. I’m still guilty of dishing more than I take sometimes. Its just important that you don’t let me get away with it if I am.

3. Admit when You’re Wrong

The final element is admitting when you’re wrong.

When I do something really shitty (like punching a hole in the wall, throwing a tantrum… etc) I’ve learned just to suck it up and admit I’m a douchebag. Fuck it. I’m a douchebag. The first step to a de-douching yourself is admitting your own douchiness. Some people just can’t admit it. Some people really can’t stand to lose face or look foolish. You have to get over it if you’re going to have successful relationships. You have to learn to admit you’re wrong.

So, there you have it. This is what I’ve been personally working on. The lucky part of my marriage is that my wife just seems to naturally have most of this down and she’s very receptive to me just calling her out, as you are. I’m the one who needs most of the work. Luckily, I’ve grown up enough over the last few years to finally realize it. In your case, the tables are turned I think. I think you know everything I said above to be true and you follow the philosophy. The next step is just bringing your wife along with you.

Sexist, Chauvinistic, Male Pig!

This sexist pig rant is brought to you by Holden! Please feel free to sound off in the comments!

My wife is a stay at home mom. When I get home after being out of town all week, I expect the house to be clean. I’d prefer dinner to be made. And if maybe, just maybe she could be wearing a little makeup- and dressed in a nice, low cut dress with her best Victoria Secret miracle bra on, that’d be great too!

Does that make me a sexist, chauvinistic, male pig?

I really love the idea of Blog Truth because I’m anonymous here. You guys don’t know me and I don’t know any of you. So I’m going to lay it on your guys in hopes of eliciting some honest feedback- especially from the ladies, regardless of supportive or critical it may be.

Am I a chauvinistic pig?

A few months back I put up a post on another blog I used to write for with a picture of my wife in a busty shirt with mid rift exposed, holding a plate of delicious pasta for me. The post title went into detail about how I had banned sweatpants in my home and was demanding more sex from my wife.

The fact that my wife agreed to pose for the picture at all, and the title made it pretty obvious that the post was meant to be light hearted. I simply wanted to stress the importance of BOTH husbands and wives keeping up a certain standard for one another in terms of appearance and yes… sex! The post received scathing comments with one commenter saying my article set women back 50 years and another blasting me as a sexist pig!

I dug in and defended myself of course, but the outrage from commenters did make me begin to question myself. Am I sexist? Is it wrong that I expect my homemaker wife to have certain things done and that I’d prefer she look decent for me? I after all more than reciprocate by trying to make myself attractive to her, constantly trying to lose more weight, and of course by being a good provider for our family.

We all have our roles

I’ll admit that I do treat my wife like she is an employee of the household. She is the homemaker. In my eyes doing dishes, cooking dinner, folding laundry and taking care of the kids is primarily her responsibilioty. It is her contribution to the family. It may not carry a paycheck, but it does have serious value. I was talking to a few friends of mine about it (who just so happen to be a lesbian couple) and they kind of acted like I was a backwards old redneck.

And what about expecting my wife to be dressed up a bit? I’ll unabashedly admit that when I get home from work after being gone all week, there really is nothing more I want than to walk in and see my wife in a slinky dress! Call me sexist if you like, but I don’t mess around on the road and I’m freaking horny by the end of the week! Does that make me a pig?

I have also started urging my wife to hit the gym three or four days a week. I do it! In fact, I go to great strides to make myself attractive to my wife, dropping about 50 lbs over the last couple years and as of yesterday, dedicating myself to 20 more by end of year! I want to see our relationship succeed, I want her to feel fulfilled and NOT want to screw around behind my back, and I’d like the same in return.

What say you? Am I Behind the Times?

I really want to know if I am in the wrong here? Personally, I don’t think I am but I could be wrong. I’m wrong about things all the time.

But before you are quick to any sort of judgment, hear me out. Everything I ask of my wife, I do in return without being asked. I also do not shy away from the house chores. If there is a sink full of dishes to be washed or dinner needs to be made, I’ll make it. But it is primarily my wife’s job just like I have a job of my own.

Of course, I have seen plenty of men who are genuinely sexist, chauvinistic, male pigs! I know guys who demand sex of their wives and bitch about their weight while they themselves are outright disgusting, fat bastards who pretty much smother the poor women in body odor and sweat every time they get lucky.

I also know hard working women who are in relationships with generally lackluster, lazy asses who really add no value to the relationship.

To these guys, I say fuck off. But if you’re a guy like me going above and beyond for the family and more than willing to reciprocate in all matters, is it not reasonable to expect these things of your wife?

-Holden

Chick-fil-a and Measuring the Pulse of Society on Gay Marriage

It looks like Mike Huckabee declared today “Chick-fil-a appreciation day” to honor their opposition to Same Sex Marriage and to honor their traditional Christian values.   I didn’t think much about it until I logged onto Facebook today.  I hate Facebook.

My news feed was covered with posts about Chick-fil-a.  People were quickly choosing sides and declaring their love or hatred for Chick-fil-a.  Sitting in an office in California – 2468 miles away from my home in Atlanta, GA – it became obvious to me that the South is  in transition.

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My Thoughts On Chick-fil-a and Gay Marriage

First of all I think its great that we live in a country that is free enough where people can have peaceful disagreements without killing each other or going to jail (for now).  I think Chick-fil-a is perfectly within their rights to speak out against Gay Marriage – they are idiots for their beliefs – but perfectly within their rights.

If customers are unhappy with their Truitt Cathy’s beliefs and the companies Christian values then they can let their feet and money do the talking and stop going to the restaurants, urge people can stop buying Chic-fil-a franchises, and soon enough the economy will tell Chick-fil-a and their owners all they need to know.  I do think it is worth mentioning that many franchise owners of Chick-fil-a DO NOT agree with Mr. Cathy.  So that might be worth considering too.

As far as gay rights – well I support them.  No one should be able to tell two consenting adults what type of personal relationship they can have.  I have written extensively about that before.  You can read about that here and here for starters.

Morally, I do not think same-sex marriage is wrong.  If two people love and respect each other, have integrity, are socially and personally responsible, have good values, and practice them – they have my support.  Their race, faith, creed, gender, sexual preference, relationship status, etc. means little to me.

As an advocate for Liberty I appreciate what Obama did today

Although he didn’t do it for exactly the same reasons I may have fully appreciated Obama made a great step as a leader and advocate of Liberty today. He openly supported the rights of human beings to engage in personal relationships without the intervention of the Government. He advocated for personal and private property rights, human rights – Gay rights.

Although there is a whole lot I find myself disagreeing (and sometimes agreeing) with Obama about I can and will always respect a politician who takes a stand, the right one, even when it is construed by many as unpopular.

Admittedly, openly supporting Gay marriage isn’t exactly political suicide for Obama or anything and Biden already tested the waters for him days earlier by openly supporting Gay marriage himself. Most of Obama’s supporters agree with him on this issue and most of the people that advocate a ban on Gay marriage almost certainly aren’t voting for Obama anyways – I still respect the steps he took today.

I can respect any man who is honestly trying to do the right thing and taking steps to get there – even if and when I personally disagree with them. It’s certainly better than shitting on the people or war-mongering. Which is more than I can say for most of the Republican candidates.

I only hope that Obama continues to take steps to advocate personal freedoms and common sense lawmaking. Giving the power to the people, protecting the individual, and empowering everyone to do the best they can for themselves and each other is a great way forward. I just hope Obama keeps making choices that keeps the Government out of our bedrooms, emails, personal lives, and personal decisions – especially when we don’t want them there.

Obama may be the first president to openly admit, while in office, that he supports same sex marriage. History was made today.

Mankind is Flawed

The other night over beers my closest friend revealed a secret to me.  He has been cheeating on his wife for the last few months. 

I know it was especially tough for him to tell me because of how we have defined our relationship.  We hold eachother accountable.  We both have the same libertarian-ish attitudes toward life.  When I mess up he lets me know it, when he does something dumb I return the favor. 

Constantly we talk about being men of integrity, men who would set a good example for society, and men who would try our best to be pillars for our family and the community – especially since we didn’t have that type of example for ourselves growing up.  We have discussed, specifically, the value of being faithful to our family and wives – all the while he agreed whole-heartedly.  Yet I find out he was being a hypocrite. 

Obviously the situation is much more complicated than that.  Their marriage was far from perfect, but there is no excuse for his behavior.  There were other options.  Worse still – he has two children. 

He asked me for advice and I told him to quit the whole thing “cold turkey”.  I was disappointed, but haven’t ridiculed him for his actions.  There is no need to – he knows exactly where I stand.  We had a long talk about ways to improve his relationship – which he has implemented over the last few weeks.  It seems like things between them are on the right path.

The worst thing, for me, about this whole situation isn’t what he did.  It’s that his folly really brings to the forefront the flawed nature of men.  If he can mistep – my closest companion – then there is no question that anyone can.  We hold eachother to the highest standard, period.  So now it doesn’t surprise me when I hear of a President, a celebrity, or any other man in a position of power who does the same thing. 

People make mistakes – should that define them?  No.  If people make the same mistake over and over again – that’s insanity by definition.  I still hold my friend to the highest standard possible, but honestly it will be a while before I can learn to trust and count on him as much as I did before.  I’m not perfect, not even close, but the whole situation is an interesting insight into people in general.

Humans are such comlex and flawed creatures.

rights all intellectually honest, liberty loving, Americans should demand: GAY RIGHTS

Marriage is defined as between a man and a woman. That’s what the law tells us. So what about two individuals of the same sex? Why is it that so many Americans find it immoral for this group of individuals to have the same right – to engage in marriage under the law? Furthermore, how can the legal system justify withholding this right from a certain group of people?

It is a basic tenant of personal property rights that individuals may engage in any personal relationship they wish when their rights do not infringe on anyone else’s property. How can the government limit such a personal relationship, especially when it is between two consenting adults in which there is no victim of their actions?

To quote congressman Ron Paul:

“I think the government should just be out of it (marital rights). I think it should be done by the church or private contract, and we shouldn’t have this argument…Who’s married and who isn’t married. I have my standards but I shouldn’t have to impose my standards on others. Other people have their standards and they have no right to impose their marriage standards on me…if we want to have something to say about marriage it should be at the state level, and not at the federal government.

In a free society…all voluntary and consensual agreements would be recognized…There should essentially be no limits to the voluntary definition of marriage.

Everyone can have his or her own definition of what marriage means, and if an agreement or contract is reached by the participants, it would qualify as a civil contract if desired…Why not tolerate everyone’s definition as long as neither side uses force to impose its views on the other? Problem solved!” (re: Ron Paul)

An honest American will admit that the SINGLE reason the personal relationship between two members of the same sex are constricted is solely due to the Judeo-Christian values are being enforced by the Federal Government and have become the status quo of our American society. No legal, moral, or political reasoning can be given to justify the withholding of such a right to a certain minority in the population. While a religious person may argue that the majority of Americans share these Judeo-Christian beliefs, thus it is justified that the majority rule when it comes to upholding moral philosophies by law; however, how can that be when the law is to be enforced outside and independently of any religious dogma or any majority rule!

The Judeo-Christian moral code is irrelevant in cases of the law! Most religious people would agree that Satanism is immoral; however, the Satanist belief system and practice is protected under the law. Again, other issues that may be viewed as moral vices are protected as well – pornography, intoxication, and lude language, to name a few. Why does society accept these activities, but raise such concerns with homosexuality? Could it be because society, in general, enjoys the right to sometimes utilize such “immoral” behaviors? Yet the majority so willingly and hypocritically advocates the removal of another’s personal and legal rights when it does not interfere with the lives of those making or enforcing the law! Even if one may argue same sex marriage is immoral – they cannot justifiably remove the institutional right under the law!

Only a few decades ago our legal system thought it appropriate to limit the rights of an individual based on race – today we realize that such a notion is completely ridiculous. In the South, blacks were prohibited from eating at certain restaurants, attending the same schools, or even using the same seating section on public transit. To go a step further – it was unheard of for a person of color to engage in a relationship with anyone outside their race. Today it is morally unacceptable to argue such things! So why does society condone the limiting of basic civil and property rights to a person who happens to be attracted to, and fall in love with, a member of the same sex? Who are we so perfect to deem their relationship and feeling unworthy?

To take another approach – what is so immoral about two consenting parties engaging in the ultimate commitment to each other? Can one form an intellectually logical argument against Gay marriage? Can one deny the feelings two responsible adults feel toward each other? Can one deny the positive influence the Gay community has had on neighborhoods across America? (re: The Castro District) Wouldn’t a gay couple engaging in marriage, reaping the emotional and psychological benefits of a stable monogamous relationship be something that all Americans want for our citizens if they so choose? None of this really matters though – as this is a matter of personal liberty and property rights – not one sects view of morality!

The simple fact is this: regardless of your personal feelings and beliefs about homosexuality or Gay marriage, marriage of any kind between two consenting parties is an individual property right – they own the right to whatever relationships they deem necessary for their particular pursuit happiness! The Government has no right – naturally, legally, or constitutionally – to prohibit such a relationship from being formed. Societies current opinion on the issue is irrelevant. I will say this though – history has always sided in favor of civil rights – and in the coming decades we will look back on this restriction of personal relationships as a blemish on par with racism that we so shamefully regret today.

ABORTION is a violation of PROPERTY RIGHTS: a logical appeal to pro-choice advocates

Before we begin it may be helpful if I define what I mean by “property rights”.  The most obvious answer is in the term – the rights an individual has to their property.  But what is property?  Your house is your property, your cell phone is your property, your car is your property, but is your property limited to only your material possessions?  No.  One’s property also includes your own body, your life, and liberty.

Therefore, based on this definition we can conclude that each individual is granted, naturally, a certain right to their property: property rights.  After all, I think that everyone can agree that in a civilized society your own personal right to yourself, your stuff, and your ability to make decisions is paramount.  Who would want decisions about their own property, that they worked for, their own life, which is theirs, and their right to make decisions, made by someone else?  I’m guessing no one. If you take away these basic rights you essentially become a prisoner on death row.  Guards making your personal decisions for you.  Deciding when you will eat, when you can exercise, what you can own, and even when you will forfeit your own life.

Since it is morally and socially unacceptable to live in such an environment why do we conclude, in many cases, it is justifiable to give up or ignore the guiding principals of property rights?  Abortion is such an issue.

In the infamous case of Row v. Wade in 1973 the supreme court ruled and upheld the woman’s right to have an abortion upon the grounds of the 14th amendment.  Basically, the court ruled that a woman has a right to privacy under the due process clause in the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution and that right extends to a woman’s decision to have an abortion.

However, the supreme court ignored a vital piece of the puzzle when it comes to property rights, the child.  One may argue that the child’s rights are insignificant or that the woman’s rights supersede the rights of a fetus.  Many justify this by arguing that the fetus cannot survive outside of the mother’s womb, thus the mother’s right to privacy and thus abortion must be upheld; however, I ask what is the difference between a 1 year old and a fetus?  Can a child survive without the constant looking after by the parent any more than a fetus?  No.  Once a heart beats in a fetus it becomes a living person, although the needs may be different than a child or adult, it is none the less a person with property rights.

I ask: What is the real difference, except for the amount of guilt the parent feels or perhaps guilt one feels for performing the deed itself, between murdering a one year old and disposing of an unwanted fetus?  Is there a true recognizable and logically arguable difference? The fact is that by day 22 after conception “[the baby’s] heart begins to beat with the child’s own blood, often a different type than the mothers’” and by only 6 weeks “brain waves are detectable; mouth and lips are present; fingernails are forming.”  Should not the law uphold the property rights of such a person?

Others argue that it is unfair or unjust that a woman who becomes pregnant accidentally during recreational sex should be forced to undergo pregnancy.  However, doesn’t everyone old enough to have sex understand the potential consequence is pregnancy?  Even contraception and birth control pills are only 99% effective at best – if you have sex 100 times statistics tell you pregnancy will occur!  So recognizing this fact is it fair that two individuals engaging in mutually agreed upon sex have the right to violate the property rights of another human life?  A human’s life, though it may require a special kind of care, is no less human than anyone reading this now?  What good is the law if not to protect those who cannot protect or speak for themselves?

Andre Koppleman argued in his book “Forced Labor: A Thirteen Amendment Defense of Abortion” that “when women are compelled to carry and bear children, they are subjected to ‘involuntary servitude’ in violation of the Thirteenth Amendment….[E]ven if the woman has stipulated to have consented to the risk of pregnancy, that does not permit the state to force her to remain pregnant.”

This argument, once again, only takes into consideration the property rights of the mother and does not in any way consider the property rights of the very life in question, the fetus.  Does the woman’s supposed constitutional law of “involuntary servitude”, a.k.a. pregnancy, supersede the right to life of the child?  If this is the case, one could logically argue that parenthood itself “even if the woman has stipulated to have consented to the risk of pregnancy” is involuntary servitude and the parents should thus have the right to dispose of their children at any point it becomes convenient. No one is arguing this though – the moral and lawful implications are somehow more obvious after a child has been born then while it remains in the womb.  Andre’s argument is ridiculous.

Thus, if you conclude that any person has the natural property right to their own life – then an unborn child should not be excluded.  The idea that an unborn child has less rights than the mother because it requires her for survival is a fallacy.  The notion that consensual sex resulting in pregnancy is involuntary servitude is absurd.  The excuses made by those to uphold the laws that allow for abortion only support those individuals who are to selfish or to ignorant to accept the consequences of their own actions.

Defenders of abortion act as if a child, especially the unborn, are somehow the private property of the parents.  That the child has not rights of their own.  However, as we have seen though out history that when one human being treats another human being as property the results can only be evil.  For example, in the ridiculous supreme court ruling, Dred Scott v. Sanford the court ruled that blacks, “had no rights which the white man was bound to respect; and that the negro might justly and lawfully be reduced to slavery for his benefit. He was bought and sold and treated as an ordinary article of merchandise and traffic, whenever profit could be made by it.” Almost 200 years later we can clearly see that this is a gross violation of property rights, the constitution and morality.  Even the most devout proponent of abortion would agree!  However, we somehow justify treating an unborn child as property; not depriving them of only there liberty, but also their life.

If the proponents of abortion are right then at what point do we as individuals of free thought and action have to accept responsibility for our own deeds – at what point do our actions and the consequences of those actions matter – at what point do we really stop punishing those who are merely the innocent bi-products of a consensual deed, when do we protect the innocent and uphold the rights of every individual who fall under the jurisdiction of the United States?  It’s time to stop living a lie and admit that despite our desires to pass the buck or avoid inconvenience we are responsible for our actions and cannot morally or lawfully punish the innocent to exalt ourselves.

Step 1: Unzip your pants

“Legendary-ish Stories” is a series I plan to write occassionally in which I describe actual incidents that happened in my life. These incidents often involve alcohol and at times immorality – neither of which I necessarily condone. With these stories I hope to add a touch of humor and display human imperfection while simultaneously eroding my credibility. Enjoy.

Two weeks before my wife and I were married I underwent the sacred right of passage known as the bachelor party.  Five of my best friends and myself decided to have a night on the town in Atlanta.  My friends did a fairly good job planning.  We had a designated driver, a rental car, and all the alcohol any human being could reasonably consume.

The night started out typically enough.  We decided to get a few drinks before  hitting the town.  One of my friends had made a power hour video.  (a power hour video consist of an hour long video with a different humorous clips each 60 seconds.  After each clip you drink.  The ultimate goal is to drink 6 beers within 1 hour.)  In out excitement we finish power hour, drank an energy drink, had a couple of celebratory shots and headed to the bars.

That’s about the time I woke up on the couch the next morning.  My good friend was watching TV on the couch and I was very disappointed.  I couldn’t believe that we hadn’t even made it out – on my last night of manly freedom!   I scolded my friend for letting me pass out – he looked at me with concern.  Something was wrong.

“Dude, we didn’t get home unil after 4am this morning, what are you talking about?”

I was dumbfounded.  Up until that point in my life I had never experience a complete memory loss/blackout.  I made it through 4 years at the #1 party school in the nation and managed to remember making it home every time.  I must admit that the rest of this story is a result of hearsay and brief memory flashes from the past night.

10pm: We left the house, which in retrospect, I vaguely remember.  We were around 20 minutes from our intended destination.  I believe that was the problem.  I think that 20 minutes of non-movement combined with the effects of the large amounts of alcohol finally caught up with me.  (I also suspect that one of my friends or a bartender may have slipped me a the date-rape pill.)  Assholes.

11pm: I was taken to a strip club, but not any strip club, because those are boring.  My friends planned an excursion to the premiere spot in Atlanta – and by premiere I mean that all of the strippers are 50 or older.  It is really a freak show, but quite entertaining.  I was told that I was given a glorious lap dance by a 60 year old black woman.  If you ask my friends they’ll say “she wasn’t that bad”, but I know that means she was disgusting.  I imagine she was probably 200lbs of wrinkles and breasts to her belly button – they also say I enjoyed it.  That, I cannot confirm or deny.  Apparently for a $10 tip you can touch 50 year old strippers all you want.  Also, to add to my insult, this was in public.

At this point I also asked for a glass of water – my friends instead gave me a glass of vodka.  To their surprise I didn’t notice it wasn’t water.  I drank the entire glass – How I am alive to this day is uncertain.

1am: I was told that we we left the club to go to another, less eclectic, bar.  However, I was refused entrance.  I was belligerent.

1:30am: To my friend’s dismay I began to dismantle the rental car.  I jumped on the hood and gave the poor doors vicious left hooks.  Why?  I do not know and I have no history of this type of behavior.  I suspect my lunacy had something to do with the mixture of alcohol, energy drinks, and possible unknown substances inserted into my drinks throughout the night.

2:00am: A friend slipping the door man $5 was enough to get me in the third bar.  I sat in the booth with my head on the table, rendered useless.  My friends forced me to drink energy drinks.  On my way to the bathroom I morphed into the incredible hulk and took my belligerence to a new level. Since I couldn’t use my “inside voice” we were asked to leave.  I apologize to everyone who had to deal with my idiocy. On the way out of the bar I demanded that the door man stamp my back repeatedly with the “over 21″ stamp, he complied.  That explained why for the next two weeks my future wife looked at me funny when I had my shirt off…  No one told me until weeks later.

3:30am: After we were asked to leave the bar and one of my friends literally pissed his pants in an unfortunate “I skipped a step in the bathroom” incident – I was taken home and carried to the couch – where I awoke the next morning.  Smelling of urine, old lady perfume, my back decorated in “over 21″ stamps, no memory of the glorious night that had taken place, a massive hangover, and taking a piss that I am convinced had blood in it – describes my right of passage.

What did I learn?  “Always remember to unzip your pants before taking a piss.”

Rue Bourbon – my first time on the most sinful street in the bayou

“Legendary-ish Stories” is a series I plan to write occasionally in which I describe actual incidents that happened in my life. These incidents often involve alcohol and at times immorality – neither of which I necessarily condone. With these stories I hope to add a touch of humor and display human imperfection while simultaneously eroding my credibility. Enjoy.

I remember the first time I set foot in New Orleans famous French Quarter.  It is a beautiful and cultural place – I love it.  However, I’m not here to talk about the culture or beauty.  This story is about the shit show that is the legendary Bourbon Street.  There is an energy, I remember even as I approached I could hear the sounds of an intoxicated crowd growing louder.  That, in turn, made my anticipation grow.  I couldn’t wait to get there – I almost wanted to run.  I wanted my first beer in hand, I wanted to participate in one of the most sin-filled streets on earth.  I wanted to be part of it.

Even now I can see it, when I first turned the corner on to Bourbon.  All of the anticipation I had build up inside myself only intensified.  The streets were packed.  There were vendors trying to convince me to enter their sex shops and “gentlemen’s clubs” to watch the latest X-rated act about to be performed.  Places named “love acts” and “barely legal” only surpassed by the sheer number of businesses selling cheap alcohol.

I quickly scanned the street trying to take it all in as quickly as possible.  Then I saw it – “HUGE ASS BEERS”.  A massive beer for only $5 – it was really a college student’s dream.  I didn’t hesitate and I purchased one.  The cold sweet nectar of what was surely a cheap bud light never tasted more satisfying.  A hurricane, hand grenade, and a few more beers later the night became a blur.

I remember people offering us free beer to come in their bars.  One major advantage of Bourbon Street is the sheer economics of the situation.  Supply and demand, my friend.  Few places on earth is there such a supply of alcohol and sex – which in turn drives prices down.  So far down, in fact, that alcohol becomes so dangerously cheap that even a college student can afford to drink themselves to near death.  Which of course, we gave our best shot.

Now let me explain something.  Walking around Bourbon Street while under the influence is kind of like being in the twilight zone.  You see things you aren’t sure that you can explain.  Under normal, completely sober circumstances the events would still be strange.  For example, take the street performers.  They do cartwheels around the damned street like something you would see at a circus whilst on psychedelics.  There are men who make a living by spray painting themselves silver and acting like a statue.  There are women, barely dressed, trying to coheres you into their little sex shop in hopes of taking all of your hard earned college monies.  There are voodoo shops and haunted mansions – there is even a haunted bar.  Needless to say, it’s sensory overload.

Then comes the parade and the beads.  What’s interesting is that women – even the most conservative – seem to be willing to expose themselves for $1 beads.  What is even more interesting is the men.  It seems like every man in the parade who was given the responsibility of handing out beads was over the age of 65.  Perhaps it is an earned right that one has to be promoted to over the years via hard work and labor – and finally given the privilege of commanding nudity at the cost of a few worthless beads.  The truth of this matter I have never found the answer to.

At this point, perhaps you are asking yourself “Did you ever attend one of the sex shows?”  The answer, of course, is yes.  What intoxicated 21 year old can resist the temptation of a no entry fee, sex show combination?  Not us, that’s who.  Upon entering we found seats and grabbed a beer, which was surprisingly as inexpensive as any other beer.  However, what we soon learned was what we were witnessing was a sight that they should be giving beers away for free.  It became obvious, as a elderly black woman came on the stage, that barely legal meant something different in NOLA.  The train wreck we witnessed was one of wonders and I have vowed to never speak of the events that took place on that stage – that intoxicated night.  We left no tips, just tears.  Lesson learned, sometimes when the entrance fee is free – you pay for it with your dignity.

Back on the street at what must have been 2am we continued our intoxicated journey, but I have to admit, I do not remember much after that.  I have a few blurry memories of losing my voice and the flashing lights of what in retrospect seems like a rave, but I couldn’t tell you how true or exaggerated that story is.  What I do remember is being teleported to my hotel room and time traveling to the morning after.  I do not remember going back to the room – nor do I remember where I lost my shirt; but I guess that is the things memories are made of – the ones you can’t remember.

*I will be headed back to NOLA for new years 2011-2012.  I will be sure to keep you all posted.