Divorce, and Blind Faith in Something I cannot see

This weekend was one of the worse in my entire life.

Last Thursday, I caught my wife lying to me, out with another man.  She came home that night at 1am, drunk, angry and telling me she hated me. She despised me.

I tried to patch it, then Saturday there was a relapse. She went out with him again. Lied again about where she would be. Left me at home with our two daughters worried and wondering where she was.

I felt buried. I like I was down to my last hope. I did something I hadn’t done for a long time. I went to church and gave it to God.

I don’t care to go into details. I don’t care to argue the merits or God. The ridiculousness of Jesus, religion, or anything. I just had to give it away. Give it away or to be quite frank- either kill myself or find a doctor who would heavily medicate me until this all passed.

I realized this weekend that I am not a strong man. I appear strong, I act strong, and on paper I am strong. But inside I am a weak, fragile little boy afraid of change and to let go. Afraid to face myself many times.

I don’t believe God is talking to me. I have prayed long and hard, I have wept, I have hyper ventilated. I grieved in ways I have never before. But I don’t know that I feel any sort of super natural power at work over me.

But I do feel a deeper sadness now than I ever thought possible. I can only image a few scenarios where I would feel deeper grief. So I had to go back to my roots, I had to go back to a country church, with a passionate preacher and a crowd full of endless “Amens!” I had to go to the altar, and I had to let a bunch of strangers place their hands on me and pray for me.

I don’t know if anything super natural happened or not, but I know something happened to me. I forgave myself for all my past transgressions. I admitted to myself that I am the root reason my marriage is falling apart. I forgave my wife for going to another man, lying to me, lying to her children and disappointing them, but I have no doubts in my mind, I am the one that has to change, and I’ve decided to give it to God.

Maybe it is a psychological crutch, a mind trick. I don’t care. I need it right now, and if I pull through this and come out on the other end- where ever that other end is, in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach, I will remember that I relied on God in my time of need and I pulled through.

Tonight I’m moving back in with my parents.

Part of me feels happy to see them more often. Part of me feels like this is my chance to reconnect with my mother and build a stronger relationship with my father. My wife and I have decided to start fresh as a couple, who is dating. I hope to also start marriage counseling this week.

In the back of my mind I see this as another checkbox off on the list for the divorce filing. Part of me fears that my wife is strategically removing me from her life and I, the hopeless little puppy who won’t go away despite having rocks thrown at me, it being lured into the trap.

  • Ceased intimate relationships.  CHECK
  • Formally separated.  CHECK
  • Attempted marriage Counselling.  CHECK

But… I gave it away to God. So fuck it.

After agreeing to the separation, my wife instantly warmed up to me a bit more. Last night I tucked the girls in bed and sang them their lullabies.  I gave my wife a backrub and I asked her if she wanted to know the secret that I have to get the girls to settle down at night.

I sang the lullaby in her ear, “Go to sleep… go to sleep…. Go to sleep my sweet Sara…..”

I felt so relieved that she at least agreed to sleep in the bed with me on that last night in my own house. As I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, I feared it would be our last together.

-Holden

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About Holden

Holden is a really groovy guy. By day a Management/IT Consultant, by night a wiper of his children's asses and regular in group fitness classes.

5 thoughts on “Divorce, and Blind Faith in Something I cannot see

  1. I am so sorry. I went through a terrible break up when my daughter was small. It changed me. When I was going through it, I could barely breath or hold my head up. But my daughter was the reason to fight on. I went through a terrible custody battle with my estranged parents giving my ex money to fight me. I did nothing to deserve that hate. I did nothing to deserve the misery I endured as a child. And twenty years later, I wouldn’t change a thing. From that misery, I get to be me. I’m strong, fair and know who I am. I am unwavering.
    I know this is a terrible time, but fight through it. Sometimes you just have to let go and fall. And where you land will be a more stable place. Prayers and hugs to you.

  2. Geez, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve only been reading your blog for a few months now, but I’ve really enjoyed both yours and Atticus’ thoughts. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you and your family, but I wish you all the best. I think sometimes we women can forget how deeply a man can be hurt. Being labeled the “stronger” sex, we can be dismissive of your feelings, or think that you don’t feel as deeply as we do. But we’re wrong. Please try to find someone you can talk to, and who’s able to give you clear advice when you need it. I hope that this works out in the best possible way for you.

  3. You’re doing the right thing. Giving it all to God. He will show you the way. Whatever that will be. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and ask God for your happiness once again. Hang in there. And keep praying. God restored my marriage 4 years ago despite everyone telling me it would never happen. I was hanging on my a thread but I had that mustard seed sized faith that kept me going. You have a long way to go BUT you will make it to the other side. Just keep talking to God. He will never leave you.

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