I like complaining about family, and believe it or not, I like to hear people complain about theirs! In fact, I’d say that one of the core elements to me and Atty’s friendship is our shared history of dealing with shit family.
Today I’m going to tell you about a stray cat that started a small war in my in-laws family. As you read it, you might think it sounds a bit like a cheesy reality TV show. If so, you’d be right about that. Enjoy.
A new addition to the Family
A little over a month ago a stray cat showed up at my wife’s grandmother’s house. I think the cat was a little too clean and pretty to be a true stray. I assumed yet another bunch of asses moved off and abandoned the poor thing.
My first instinct was to tell them not to feed it and it’ll go away. But then I thought to myself, “Eh, I’m not here four days a week, what do I care? Feed the damn thing. I won’t have to deal with it”
As time went on, the cat became quite the family pet. Everyone fell in love with this beautiful, white fluffy cat. My older daughter especially loved it and asked incessantly to go see the damn thing. She never could decide on the cat’s name either. One day he was Wilbur, another Charlie, and another Tom.
After having the cat around a little over a month, he was pretty much the new family mascot. I even caught my wife buying food for it. The cheap bastard in me wanted to protest but then I once again thought to myself, “Eh, what do I care. I don’t have to deal with it. It lives over there…”
But oh, how the tides do change oh so quickly.
The Cat bit my Grandma!
Last Friday I was sitting at my computer. Fridays are my work from home day, and despite what anyone thinks, I was actually hunkered down in my sad, lonely little corner of the house working. Then I heard my wife on a call.
“What…. It bit you? Really? But it’s such a nice cat…. Huh…. A tetanus shot? You really think you need a tetanus shot? Well I can’t take you, Holden is working and I can’t carry the girls with us to the doctor. Let me call momma and see if she can take you.”
My wife had been talking to her elderly, hypochondriac of a grandmother who will find any excuse to have someone carry her to the doctor. Immediately, my wife phoned her mom.
“Hey, well the cat bit grandma. She wants someone to take her to the doctor…….. No, I can’t take her…. Well, if you can’t who will? Yeah, I guess we’ll just have to call animal control…….. no, you know what, I always knew something wasn’t right with that cat…………no, I said I can’t take her…… what, She’s calling you now? She KNOWS I’M ON THE PHONE WITH YOU! Why is she calling if she…..alright, I’ll just talk to you later.”
About now, I sat back in my chair and sighed, cause I knew shit was about to get dramatic.
15 minutes later my sister in law calls. She’s hysterical.
“Hey…. Yeah I already called animal control…… no they aren’t going to kill the cat…… no they won’t put it to sleep, it’ll be fine……. What? It’s not MY fault the cat bit her, what do you want me to do about it….. calm down…..”
My sister in law is a bit peculiar to me in that she appears to value the lives of animals more than humans but has no problem devouring a bacon cheeseburger. I have seen the woman get in heated arguments over whether or not dogs actually do go to heaven! She would find a scene in a movie depicting a burlap sack full of puppies being drowned in the river more distressful than a scene depicting the holocaust.
Oh, and my father in law… multiply it by two. Seriously, these folks ain’t right! -to put it in southern boy terms.
So, a few more minutes later and my father in law calls. About now, I’m pounding my face into my keyboard. I’ve not left the desk and refuse to acknowledge that I have any knowledge whatsoever about what is going on.
My father in law is all but screaming at my wife. The man isn’t quite right in the head. He is a truck driver by necessity because no one can stand to be around the foul mouthed, overly opinionated hick. The guy seriously has to have a job that puts him alone in a small compartment all by himself 99% of the day.
My wife hangs up and starts sobbing. I feel bad for her; after all, what the hell did she have to do with any of this? She’s just the poor soul in the middle of a bunch of morons. I knew we shouldn’t have fed the cat.
So… lesson learned. Next time a damn stray shows up, I’m demanding no one feeds it and if need be, I will grab up whatever it is and “Re-Home” it.