Damn it I’ve had a lot on my mind and I just want to get it out.
My Mom lives in the fucking projects and has no air conditioning. Funny how government housing doesn’t provide certain things – I can’t say I blame them. In fact, people like my mother and father are the very people I most despise on this planet. Freeloaders, those individuals that really do not pull their weight, and let other people do it for them, but I digress. I’m all about liberty…
My Mom really bothers me. On one hand she is handicaped and I can sympathize that she is literally physically disabled, came from a broken home, and has a shitty husband. BUT she really doesn’t do anything to improve her own situation. She even came right out and asked me to buy her a window unit air conditioner. I feel too many emotions to easily capture in writing - pity, anger, disappointment - I could go on.
My place in the family has rapidly changed from being provided for to leader. I am the most educated and I have the strong feeling that people look to me for answers. My parents and grandparents are constantly coming to me for advice, opinions, or help. It sucks coming from a shitty family – the low of th low. Literally, my immediate family comes from trailer parks and project housing.
I guess it is difficult for me to relate because I came from the same shit they did, but managed to make something of myself – or at least try to. The positions in life of me versus my family are light years apart. I guess that makes America great – look what you can accomplish despite your father’s works. I wouldn’t complain if I had been born a prince though…
Just wanted to do a little complaining.
I have been so stressed this week. It disappoints me to be stressed. Not because I am working so hard, but rather because I never pictured my life going this way. I always saw myself living life with purpose, happy. Instead I’m on a stressful assignment at work that is literally keeping me up at night, trying to work the details out in my head. Why?
I think I need to take a few minutes to settle back down, to let it go. Put work back into its place and realize I am working to live, not the other way around. Then the irritation compounds because I am disappointed that I am even stressed. Why am I actually letting something so insignificant effect me this way.
My goal has always been to enjoy life to the fullest. To live everyday without regret. Through college I always stopped for a moment and told myself, “enjoy this”. I really tried to capture the moments and enjoy myself. I think I need to do that again, now. I was running today and really enjoying it. The weather was perfect, the trees and grass were beautiful – there was even a scent of sweetness in the air. I told my self then, not to forget to enjoy myself, everyday.
It’s tough to enjoy life to the fullest when you are on a stressful project. I guess at this point it comes down to enjoying the little things – or to find new job. I’m too much of a coward to quit my job, it’s too secure and pays too well – how can I complain? I’m not much of a risk taker. Instead I am going to have to learn how to enjoy life in a different way. Cherishing every moment of free time, every glimpse of something beautiful, and every break.
Work hard, but enjoy life. Leave work at work and prioritize accordingly. I only have one life and I need to be SURE to enjoy it.
I grew up in Church, on and off. My family is pretty religious. But me, I’ve always had my doubts. I believe in science, I believe that everything can be explained. Most things that we can’t explain I assume we just haven’t found a solution yet. I mean, we used to think the world was flat, the Sun was a God, and plagues were and act of demons – now solid science have shown us the truth.
One thing, however, has led me to believe that there is most likely a God. A creator. My argument isn’t for any certain religion, but just the simple argument that there is in fact a God.
My logic relies on my (limited) knowledge of mathematics. The concept of infinity. I think of time, that it must have started somewhere. There must be a beginning, because if time went back forever (infinity) then we could never get to the present. Thus if there is a beginning, time and space coming from nothing – there must have been something beyond time and space that brought all of this “stuff” into existence - I think that is God. God brought us into existence – something from nothing.
That is of course, unless my linear understanding of time and space is accurate. Who knows, but my logic above feels right to me. If you know differently I’d love to hear about it.