Sometimes, I daydream about walking into the office of the man who my wife had an affair with late last year. In this fantasy, I turn his desk over. I puff my chest out like a baboon, scream, and glare at him with bulging eyes then beg him to come at me.
He foolishly does come at me and I overpower him, bringing him to the ground. He struggles and slowly I tighten my grip until I have my legs wrapped firmly around his waist and my arms firmly around his neck in an unbreakable chokehold… then slowly I begin to apply pressure.
As he struggled for air, he smacks the ground violently, he gasps, his face turns red, he kicks and squirms but I hold him down tight, now completely calm and collected, until he passes out.
Then I simply walk away. He wakes up a few moments later disoriented but unharmed apart from his ego and pride.
Next, I image that he has nightmares about me. He regrets the day he ever fucked a married woman, especially MY woman, a mother of two little girls, who he insisted he cared deeply for yet had never met them and didn’t care that he was on a mission to assist in tearing their little worlds apart. He vows to never mess with a married woman again, out of fear of the angry man on the other side of the equation.
The deep truth of the matter is that I train for this asshole. Yet, ironically, I train at the same time to find the courage to never act out my fantasy. I so badly want to act on this fantasy. I crave it. I crave not to destroy him physically, but mentally and emotionally.
For the past few months I’ve been fighting with/alongside with Atticus instead in some capacity or another. Either fighting myself, running up and down the streets of Historic Atlanta, GA with him, boxing with him in his garage, or more recently, venturing into Brazilian Jui Jitsu.
Ironically, martial arts are more an exercise in inner peace and a great source of release. Sometimes I find myself craving that physical contact. Sometimes, I feel the need for that full body exhaustion and release.
I’m a fucking angry man pretending not to be angry. I’m “faking it ‘til I make it” as we like to say in the consulting business.
Today, on Martin Luther King Jr day, I was thinking about pacifism. I believe pacifism might be the greatest weapon of all, but the problem with pacifism is that it is such a long ball game. There are no immediate wins by being a pacifist, and sometimes the victory presents itself in ways that maybe you never suspected.
For example, say I decide to forgive and forget what my wife and this other man did. This other man continues to live the life he lives- that of a coward, of a shit head, of weak integrity. I do believe he will ultimately reap what he sows. Not because of some cosmic justice at work, but because he simply is his own worst enemy.
And that will be my victory. I will win by living a life of honesty and integrity while he ultimately undoes himself and lives a life of un-fulfillment.
The real question is, do I have the strength to take the higher ground and tap into that higher game?